Sitting in the endocrinologist's office today, two things happened. Well, one of them was a thought rather than an event, but I don't think either of them was natural (I don't use normal anymore, because I know that word doesn't make sense - somewhere the guy who invented that word is rolling around in his grave going "that's not what I meant you idiots!")
One, I thought to myself 'I really hope they find something wrong with me.' Now don't get all annoyed. I don't like to wish bad things on anyone, let alone myself. And I literally pray for people I don't even know who actually have things wrong with them, like cancer. I've had scares with it myself and have, Thank God, been given the thumbs up each time. But I hoped to find something wrong with me, so there would be something to work on fixing. Something that would explain the other weird thing that happened.
I cried in the appointment. I was so embarrassed, but couldn't help myself. All the worry about my stupid job and my suddenly plummeting milk supply and the weight gain I hadn't even realized had happened until I stood on the doctor's office scale, just came flooding, literally, out of me. My male endocrinologist didn't take pity on me, Thank God. He just kept saying "you're worn out, aren't you?" And I think he got it. As moms we all get the 'well, you're a Mom, that's normal' with the subtext of 'get over it lady, suck it up' that mostly we tack on ourselves. But this guy was judging me the way I was paying him to. He ordered a slew of blood work, and for that I was grateful. Maybe it would turn up something that was fixable. Maybe there was a pill that would fix my exhaustion, worry, guilt, constant need to stuff my face, etc. But who am I kidding?
The truth is, at least for the most part (bloodwork pending) I am a Mom, and it is normal. And what other choice do I have but to suck it up?
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